Long, Juicy & Hard Sci-Fi. By Sam Tillis.

Scene: A used bookstore in Berkeley.

MILES

I love browsing through the science fiction/ fantasy sections of used bookstores. Complete trash. So many bad space operas and Tolkien rip-offs from the ‘60s and ‘70s. There’s really not much of anything worth reading before the current generation of authors.

KARL

Really?

MILES

What do you mean, really?

KARL

You really think that? A man of taste and class such as yourself?

MILES

Well, what would you recommend, then?

KARL

How about Phillip K. Dick?

MILES

(incredulous)

You like Dick?

KARL

You didn’t know that about me?

MILES

I knew you had your eccentricities, to be sure, but to like, to actually enjoy Dick.

KARL

I consume Dick like no other.

MILES

Really.

KARL

Every time I see a new Dick somewhere, I make sure to acquire it with all deliberate speed.

MILES

Well, there certainly is a lot of Dick.

KARL

Oh yes! Short Dick, long Dick. Though I must admit, I generally prefer a longer Dick to a short one.

MILES

Whyever so?

KARL

They tend to be more penetrating.

MILES

Ah.

KARL

(lifting a book from a shelf)

I mean, look at this cover.

MILES

Well, sure, even I can enjoy looking at Dick. But I wouldn’t actually pick it up, myself.

KARL

…sitting alone on a cold, rainy Saturday night with not a worry in the world, there’s nothing better to do than curl up in bed with some old Dick. There’s nothing in the world that’s really like Dick. It gets into you, and then when you’re done you’ll never quite be the same. Finish a good Dick and you’ll not sleep for days!

MILES

Well, you’ve convinced me. I’ll have to give it a shot.

KARL

Now when you get to ‘60s fantasy, however, I think you’re absolutely right.

MILES

Dick’s not a fantasy?

KARL

Well, maybe for you. It all depends on how you look at things.

MILES

Actually, there is one fantasy author who transcends the rest.

KARL

Oh?

MILES

Michael Moorcock, of course.

KARL

Oh, I love Moorcock!

MILES

I suspected you might. In my experience, anyone who likes Dick can’t do without Moorcock.

KARL

I’m surprised you like it.

MILES

Well, I find that Moorcock generally isn’t as hard as Dick.

KARL

You don’t like hard sci-fi?

MILES

Don’t get me wrong, I like it hard and soft. And a longer, softer Dick is almost acceptable to me. But Moorcock, is softer, and richer, in a way–

KARL

Juicier?

MILES

Juicier! That’s exactly it! Moorcock is jucier!

KARL

Yesssir, it doesn’t get better than Moorcock.

MILES

Until the current generation. New Weird and all that.

KARL

You’re speaking of course–

MILES

(overlapping)

–of course, about Neil Gaiman.

KARL

(dreamily)

Gaiman.

MILES

(dreamily)

Gaiman.

KARL

(dreamily)

Gaiman.

MILES

I do so enjoy Gaiman.

KARL

I absolutely adore Gaiman.

MILES

How do you think any given Gaiman holds up against Dick?

KARL

Extremely favorably. In fact, Gaiman said somewhere that Dick influenced him strongly.

MILES

And Moorcock?

KARL

Of course. In fact, I recall reading in Gaiman’s blog that he was right between some Dick and Moorcock right now.

MILES

A good situation to be in.

KARL

Indeed.

MILES

Quite.

(A pause. Miles and Karl gaze at one another. Then, without warning, they begin to make out passionately.)

FIN

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An original scene written by screenwriter Sam Tillis as a short scene based on a ridiculous bit of improv we did in a bookstore in Berkeley, rewritten and embellished. (Sans the kissing at the end though) Sam Tillis, 2012.